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I have thought about blogging about this for a while now but kept chickening out. I don't want to be looked at as a freak or suddenly find out that I am all alone in how I feel. As it is I can tell myself that surely there are others that go through this too. However, I have decided that I will feel better if I get it out. I may or may not post this we will just wait and see. :)
Being a Mommy is so hard sometimes. You feel like you have the weight of the world resting on your shoulders. Being a stay at home mom I feel even more pressure. I should be able to have a perfect house. I should have a brilliant daughter (which I do by the way lol). I should be able to hold intelligent conversations at all times. I should be able to keep up with everything going on in my world, my hubby's world and Anna's world. I fall short on most of these things almost daily and then I feel like I am failing miserably. I dream of being a Super Mom but inside my head I know that there is no such thing. In my heart I just can't seem to grasp.
My hubby will come home some days and ask me what is wrong. I give him the oh nothing or I am tired answer. The truth is I feel like I have let him and/or Anna down for whatever reason. Maybe the laundry didn't get put way or toys are all over the house or dinner wasn't ready or maybe I lost my patience with Anna. It doesn't matter the reason the end result is the same. I expect more out of myself for this job than any other job I have ever had & I can't seem to keep up.
I have never thought that I was a perfectionist and I typically am not. Just in this one thing, the most important thing in my life I would like to get it perfect. Since I can't do that, because God knows none of us are perfect, maybe I can just get it right. I want to make my hubby and Anna feel like they are the most important people in my world. I want them to know that I love them with all my heart and soul. I want them to know that even when I screw up (which happens often) I keep moving forward because I know they will be right there with me. I want to give them the same support and encouragement that they give me. My family is perfect with all of its imperfections and I just need to remember that includes ME!
My dearest Hubby I must apologize to you. Not for falling short because I know you don't see it that way but for not being honest with you about how I feel. I need to be more open with you and learn to let things go. Thank you for loving me even while we figure our lives out. I love you very much!
I don't have any words of wisdom to leave you but please know you are not alone. I think about the perfect house, kids, and life all the time too. Wondering why I can't just get the laundry done or take out an art project for the kids to do when they ask. Sometimes it feels like I should get a medal for making it through another day. I do find I am better at being who I want to be when I have some "me time" maybe you need to find a few moments during the day to enjoy you.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
I cried the first time I didn't have my husband's favorite underwear washed for him to wear. He only has four of that style, and they weren't in any of the four loads I had folded that day. -- I think since we have such different lives from our husbands', we don't know how to communicate about that stuff anymore. Several times, Chris has come home from work to find me in a bad or glum mood. He always asks what is wrong, and I've stopped telling him. Maybe the kids cried too much, maybe I lost my patience too many times, maybe there were too many diapers to change, maybe I didn't get done what I wanted. By actually telling him what I was unhappy about, I would then see that look in his eyes... "She's upset about *that*? What a wuss. What a stupid thing to be upset about." or "Well, they are just kids. What do you expect?" That second one actually was said... I just stopped talking about it then. It makes me feel like my world is so little and insignificant.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not like he notices the stuff I do get done. If the dishes are done or the fridge finally cleaned out, he doesn't notice. If there's no laundry left to fold, he doesn't see it. It's a thankless job... and one that it's impossible to do perfectly... because if you're spending so much time on housework, you probably missed out on special moments you could have had with your child.
Oh, sister. I totally know how you're feeling. I think it's the whole Martha Stewart/June Cleaver thing. We've seen it on t.v. or in magazines...how we are "suppose" to be. I try to look at it this way, at the end of the day is everyone in there own bed? safe? fed? loved? Yes. I did ok then. Did they get all their vegetables eaten? No, but was I there for the scraped knees, runny noses and pick up from school? Yes, so I did ok.
ReplyDeleteThe house...it's lived in. I try not to worry about it not being the cleanest at all times. I'm not the only one who lives here and my family needs to own up to their messes and not rely on mom to do it just because I'm home. You are doing a wonderful job and an important one, being there for Anna....it does get better and harder. Keep your chin up and know you are not alone in your feelings.
You are a super mom!!!
I don't have children but I think I can still sympathise with the way you feel. I work full time out of the home but still love the work I do at home. I often feel like I just can't get it all done... not to my own expectations anyway. I constantly fall short of my own expectations. That is when I try to take it to the Lord and ask Him if I have met HIS expectations. If I please Him, in turn everyone else seems happy.
ReplyDeleteI personally think that our generation of women grew up with this misconception of the perfect 1950's housewife and that we could EASILY fall into that same role. What we were never shown or taught is that it isn't as easy as it looks.
Keep your head high bc I'm sure you are a super mom!
I think you know this is how I feel all the time - in fact, it is the subject of my blog! But I KNOW that your husband and daughter know you love them. There is no way they can't know it - just the way you talk about them, you can see it, and I've never met you. Just remember that things like laundry and dinner, and a perfect house aren't important. When Anna is an adult, that's not what she's going to remember. She's going to remember how much her mom loves her and was always there for her.
ReplyDeleteI think an occasional change of scenery might help you. Being a stay at home mom must make it time to have some time just for yourself. Schedule a little down time for yourself - it really helps you to recharge and be better able to tackle all of life's little imperfections.
Now I just need to practice what I preach! LOL