I have thought about blogging about this for a while now but kept chickening out. I don't want to be looked at as a freak or suddenly find out that I am all alone in how I feel. As it is I can tell myself that surely there are others that go through this too. However, I have decided that I will feel better if I get it out. I may or may not post this we will just wait and see. :)
Being a Mommy is so hard sometimes. You feel like you have the weight of the world resting on your shoulders. Being a stay at home mom I feel even more pressure. I should be able to have a perfect house. I should have a brilliant daughter (which I do by the way lol). I should be able to hold intelligent conversations at all times. I should be able to keep up with everything going on in my world, my hubby's world and Anna's world. I fall short on most of these things almost daily and then I feel like I am failing miserably. I dream of being a Super Mom but inside my head I know that there is no such thing. In my heart I just can't seem to grasp.
My hubby will come home some days and ask me what is wrong. I give him the oh nothing or I am tired answer. The truth is I feel like I have let him and/or Anna down for whatever reason. Maybe the laundry didn't get put way or toys are all over the house or dinner wasn't ready or maybe I lost my patience with Anna. It doesn't matter the reason the end result is the same. I expect more out of myself for this job than any other job I have ever had & I can't seem to keep up.
I have never thought that I was a perfectionist and I typically am not. Just in this one thing, the most important thing in my life I would like to get it perfect. Since I can't do that, because God knows none of us are perfect, maybe I can just get it right. I want to make my hubby and Anna feel like they are the most important people in my world. I want them to know that I love them with all my heart and soul. I want them to know that even when I screw up (which happens often) I keep moving forward because I know they will be right there with me. I want to give them the same support and encouragement that they give me. My family is perfect with all of its imperfections and I just need to remember that includes ME!
My dearest Hubby I must apologize to you. Not for falling short because I know you don't see it that way but for not being honest with you about how I feel. I need to be more open with you and learn to let things go. Thank you for loving me even while we figure our lives out. I love you very much!