Monday, June 23, 2008

What was I thinking?

I totally jinxed myself! I was talking about how smoothly our sleep transition has been so far. Ha!!! That is almost all I can say. If I were anyone else that would be about it lol. I am however never short on words or at least very rarely. Tonight We did our bed time prayer and she climbed into bed. I though YES we are there!!! Ha!!! She scooted to the bottom of the bed and said "you get in your spot". I explained to her that I wasn't that I was going into the living room. I would sit in the yellow chair so that she could still see me. She started screaming hysterically. I loved on her and told her I had too. I proceeded to leave the room saying I would come check on her soon. 5 minutes later she sounds like she is about to be sick she has cried so hard. I go in and I can't hear myself talk over the screaming so I tell her that when she settles down I will come back in. Hmm, about 10 minutes I guess she finally settled down. It felt more like a life time. I went back in there and her shirt was drenched from her crying. We get her shirt changed. I tell her that I love her so very much. That she was the greatest gift God could ever give me. That I feel that she has given me so much more than I can ever give her. All I can do is love her with all of my heart and soul and take care of her like I think she needs. I think we need this! I said you know I love you, right? She nodded her head. I said you have made me so proud the past few nights. I need you to do it again. I explained that I would be going to the living room and she could see me in the chair. She said but Mommy stay in her, lay down with me. That very moment I wanted to cave. I thought is this really worth it? Do we HAVE to do this now? She is still really just a baby. Then I thought about how far we have come in just a few days. I thought about having to start over one day down the road. So I kissed her and told her that I couldn't. I came back to the living room and she can see me from her pillow. She is laying there right now watching me as I type this. Every time I look her way to check on her she waves at me. It would be so very easy to go in there and snuggle up.

Tell me what you think. Is it going to be worth it? Should I not force it and enjoy these snuggles as long as she lets me? Why do we feel compelled to rush them through childhood? Why can't we hold on tight and keep them small as long as possible? Would it be so terrible if they depended on us for a while longer? Is there a way to pause time and or slow it down and cherish every moment a little longer?

I read other Moms in the bloggy world that are trying to speed up time. Trust me I have my moments for that too but right now I just want to stop time. I want to remember every smell, taste, sight, feeling and sound. The smell of sweaty hair after running around in the back yard. The taste of the food that she wants to "feed" me. The sight of her having the time of her life in the pool. Learning how to jump off the side of the wall without holding onto my hands. Without me even right there with her. The feeling of her wrapping her arms around my neck for a hug. The feeling of her reaching up and grabbing my hand. Not because we are in a parking lot but just because she wants to be connected to me. The feeling of her sleeping on me because she woke up from her nap a little to early. The sound of her giggling when I do something silly. The sound of her voice when she is being all sweet and loving. The sound of her singing with me.

Sorry I totally got off topic lol. To finish the sleeping thing she is finally asleep. I hope tomorrow night is easier!

4 comments:

  1. I think there's a difference between enjoying the babyhood and toddlerhood while it lasts and gently guiding our children towards independence.

    That being said, I'm not judging you for the cuddles. I wouldn't worry about her being too old for it until she's four or five. Until then, enjoy.

    We're starting to sleep train our Anna tonight because I need the sleep. I'm not a good mama at all if I'm tired and cranky and resentful.

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  2. That is to say... difference between enjoying them and kicking our children's butts until they don't want/need us anymore. (1st paragraph in my comment)

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  3. Daddy1:22 PM

    Wow. You are doing great. I would have caved, I think. Keep it up; sorry I am not there for you to cry on my shoulder. Know that you are loved and I have empathy for you.

    I do not want these times to end either, but if they don't we don't get all the other great ones!

    I am working with children this week on the Mission. I am not professing some great theology to the masses. I am only being daddy to several little girls this week at the camp. They called me their daddy today because we guys on this Mission may be the only father figures they see.

    The mama's are not always there either. Some of these kids do not know and have never seen Love in a family. I am so thankful my daughter knows Love from her mama, daddy, yai yai, pop and aunt caky as well as her Father that tears form in my eyes and it is all I can do to hold them in. But I must; I do have a Mission to do.

    You are a great mommy. Never ever doubt that. I love you too as my wonderful wife. Anna may have a few hard nights in this transition, but she will always be loved.

    Love you and miss you,
    ccj
    PS: Pray for Samantha in our camp group. We meet them between 9-12. She has so many bruises and she will not hug and hardly smiles.

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  4. I never have done well with the "let them cry themselves to sleep" philosophy. My little guy is 4 1/2 and I still stay in his room till he goes to sleep. I sit with him and pat him till he goes off to sleep. This seems to work for both of us....and I don't spend the evening listening to him cry and feeling guilty!! But that's just me! I know lots of people that do the "cry yourself to sleep" thing and it works great for them!! Go with what works for you and your family!! And don't feel guilty over whatever you decide to do!

    Sweet dreams for both of you!

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