Monday, July 21, 2008

Help me!

Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I have been struggling through issues. I haven't wanted to blog I have just wanted to BE, ya know. Here it goes I am going to bare some of my issues.

My relationship with my parents suck! Big time!!! I haven't talked to my mother in I don't know how long. My Dad is always pulled in between us so he only calls sporadically mainly when he is at work. We have a long history of issues that I don't even want to talk about. Lets just say it started about 14 years ago and it has slowly progressed into this mess. God has been working on my heart lately. Between my Bible study, Sunday School and the preachers sermon I have been bombarded with the need to let bygones be bygones and either move forward or let go. This is hard for me because for years I tried to be the bigger person and make nice just to get smacked down. You know the saying "once bitten, twice shy" well, I am beyond that. I am afraid of the result if I try to move forward. I miss having parents. I miss talking about my childhood. I miss not being able to share my daughter with them. I often wonder what it must feel like to have a great relationship with your parents. Where you can laugh about silly things and cry on their shoulder when you are hurting. I am not sure how to start mending the fence with my parents. How to move forward so that Anna can have 2 sets of grandparents. I don't want to rehash the past, I just want to move forward. I just want to pretend that the past 14 years weren't so miserable for us lol. So do you guys have any words of wisdom? I am thinking I will start with an email just to test the waters. Tell me what you think?

Just so you don't leave my blog all bummed and depressed look at my beautiful girl swimming. She is doing great. I was worried about how she would do this morning with a long weekend between seeing Megan but she did great. She wanted to participate and made sure she wasn't skipped over. Thank you for the words of encouragement offered up last week!!!


  1. Anonymous1:56 PM

    You can only have a good or fair relationship with your parents and "move forward" if and only if they are willing to let go of the past also. That means NO negativity and no pointing fingers when situations come up and and anyone involved does not get their way.

    In other words, you have to meet each other half way. You and your parents have to be able to respect decisions and limitations that each side will make and set. If mutual respect cannot be found, then healing cannot begin.

    Also, you don't need to use Anna as the reason for doing this. I know you want to share Anna with your parents, but unless YOU are ready and want to mend fences to gain peace or happiness for YOURSELF( or whatever it is that you are looking for) - it will never work. If you and your parents can get on a common ground, Anna will decide for herself how she feels about them.

    There is one thing for sure, you need to be 100% dedicated to letting go of the past before you can expect someone else to.

    Keep praying about it, you will get an answer if you keep your ears and eyes open.

  2. Oh Candace, I'm sorry you've had such a difficult relationship with your parents.

    We had an estrangement from Big Daddy's parents and it was our parenthood that led us to approach them with reconciliation. All it really took was an invitation; I don't think they were eager to discuss the past any more than we were. Is the relationship perfect? NO. In fact, I really preferred the 8 years with no contact. But it's for my girls, it's for the in-laws, and it's for Big Daddy that I maintain the relationship.

    My point? I think that the less explaining and re-hashing the better. I'd recommend approaching them with an invitation, and a simple, "Can we put the past behind us and start over? I'd love for you to know your grandchild."

    You're in my prayers, and I'd love to know how things turn out!

  3. I was estranged from my mother for a couple of years. We restored our relationship when we both let go of our expectations of each other. We met each other on neutral ground, and we built up a friendship based solely on who we are now. Over the years, after the wounds have healed, we've slowly started to talk about the past in very broad terms, but I don't think we'll ever actually discuss specifics.

    Dear, I think you might be grieving the loss of what you imagine is the ideal situation, where everyone is happy and whole and in love with each other. You miss them, but did you ever really have it? You might be missing what was never there to begin with.

    I hope you find some peace in your heart if a reconciliation isn't possible. We have to make the best of what we are given, and to be grateful for what we have, not always longing for what we don't.

    Anna is very blessed with all the people in her life who love her so desperately. She will probably never feel a loss unless you tell her she's missing something.

  4. Candace, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I, too, have had hard times with my parents. They were divorced when I was about 8 and always have issues with each other. They don't realize how much that effects me as a person and my life. I'm always in the middle and feel like I constantly have to so "don't go there." It's so not fair. In turn, all of this makes our relationship strained at times.

    The way I have worked through my issues is by constant prayer. There are times when I want to throw my hands up and just say I dont care and it is too much work. my older sister stephanie always reminds me that at the end of the day, when I met God, would I feel like I had done everything with the situation that i could. did i take the chance to learn the lesson in all of it that God was trying to teach me? ugh, so i go back to working at it again.

    i hope it gets better and keep us updated on how it goes. you'll be in my prayers.


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