Grief sucks!

Some days I feel like I am beginning to feel "normal" such as it is and everything will be ok. Other times I feel like a wave has crashed over me and I can't seem to find my breath. I do know that this too shall pass and ultimately I am ok. I also know that grief sucks! It doesn't just magically go away at the 6-month mark or 1-year mark. I have heard grief described as the ocean. Sometimes you are in between the waves and sometimes the waves are crashing over you. I feel like that is the best description of grief that I have seen. 

A few weeks ago I had my birthday. I have always loved my birthday and would celebrate as much of the month as I could, lol. Of course, now I have to share the month with my daughter, but she was the best gift ever! Anyway, this year was the first year that I didn't have my parents or at least one of them call me and sing me "Happy Birthday". I don't know why that hit me so hard but it really did. One of the highlights of my day was always Mom singing off key and Dad singing as loud and proud and goofy as he could. It hit me I will never get that again! Honestly, my birthday was rough! I am blessed with great co-workers, friends, family, and an amazing daughter and husband. They all worked very hard to help me feel special, appreciated, and loved! Don't ever take for granted the love of your parents! Soak in those moments and make memories because you don't know when your last will be. 

I feel like I should add I do have some of the best in-laws too! My Mother-in-law never fails to find the perfect card to make me laugh. She has a way of knowing what I need a lot of the time! My Sister-in-law is the absolute best! She is the sister that I never had and didn't realize I needed! I cherish these relationships! 

When I am under the wave and can't find my way out I try to remember the people that love me, need me, and, want me! I also remind myself of this verse!

I am not walking through this grief alone! My God is walking with me. Sometimes He is in front of me (leading the way), sometimes beside me (holding my hand and encouraging me as I go), and other times behind me (probably shoving me through). I honestly don't know how someone would get through the mountains of emotions we call grief without knowing God! 

I will continue my journey each day with a prayer and trust that God is in control even when things feel out of control! I will look for joy in my journey and always look for the good around me! I will not think of my grief as a problem to solve. I will look at it as a blessing because without great love, I wouldn't have such deep grief!

Leave me an encouraging scripture in the comments or in the form on the side! I love seeing what verses lift others when they are down!

"D" Day

Well today is my Doom's Day. Or at least it feels like it. My stomach is churning and I can't stop crying. I am being such a baby but I can't help it. Last night I had to go to bed with Anna because she was having a rough night. I woke up this morning and Buddy was laying in there beside the bed. We gate them off in the kitchen and he had barely pushed the gate over to get through. I don't know how he had enough room to get through honestly. I got up and snuggled with him for a while. This is so much harder than I ever imagined and trust me I have a great imagination.

My prayer for today.

Dear God,

Please help Cindy to have a safe trip here and back home. Help her to bond quickly with Buddy and Maggie. Find a way for me to make complete peace with what we are doing today. Explaining to Anna has been difficult and I know she doesn't really "get" it. So please make this an easy transition for her. I pray that you will help Anna have a good day with her Yia Yia and Pop and not feel all of my anxiety and upset. Most importantly, please be with Buddy and Maggie. Help this be a smooth transition for them and help them adjust and grow to love Cindy. Make sure they know that they can be happy there and that I will always love them. Just keep your arms wrapped around all of us through this and make your presence known. Thank you Lord for helping us find the perfect person to take them and just keep reminding me that you are in control!

I love you Lord and I appreciate all that you do in my life!

AMEN!

Mixed Feelings

I have so many feelings running through me I am having trouble figuring it all out lol. This weekend is when we give our puppies to my new friend, Cindy. On one hand I am very excited because I know that the dogs will be much happier. I will not have to sweep, mop and vacuum so much and Anna will be able to play in the back yard more often. Oh and don't forget the weekly baths that take at least an hour to do. On the other hand they were my first babies. They have been a part of this family for a very long time. They make Anna very happy. They are fun to play with. They are so loving!

The truth of the matter is though that having the time to play or love on them has been limited and they have been cheated. We probably should have done this a long time ago but it was such a hard decision to make it took a lot of prayers, soul searching and arguments within myself to get to this point. They are going to a home where they will think they have died and gone to heaven. Cindy will let them have the run of the house, sleep in the bed and lounge under the fans all day. She is even going to install a fence and doggie door so they can have even more freedom. She sounds perfect doesn't she! I am glad that we waited because if we hadn't they wouldn't have gone to her.

Please keep me in your prayers as we go through this Saturday. I want it to be a smooth transition for us all. I hope that Cindy will be happy with them and they will be happy with her. I hope that we can adjust to not having them here. Thank you for all your prayers and well wishes!

Tough Choices

Well, my hubby and I made a tough choice recently. We have decided to find a new home for our puppies! This is one of the toughest things that I have had to decide on in a long time. We know that it will be the best choice for all of us including them because they don't get all of the love and attention they deserve. Today I was talking to someone and they told me the best place to find a good home. It is called Boxer Town! I talked to the guy that runs it tonight and he has already added Maggie and KO. It is breaking my heart, I feel like such a terrible person. I just hope they will not suffer to much from the transition and that they can be happy in their new home when we find them one.

Ugh, I get all weepy every time I just think about it.

I am throwing myself a pity party!

My pain in the butt car is still broke!!! We thought it needed a battery, well we hoped it just needed a battery. Apparently, we were wrong. I don't have a clue what the problem is and to find out that will take the green stuff that we have so little of. So it looks like Anna and I will be stuck at home quite a bit over the next month or two. If anyone would like to donate some of that lovely green stuff to our cause you could become my new best friend!!! lol I am just kidding. Well, unless you really do want to in that case I would not refuse lol.

On to better more exciting things we are going to a one year old birthday party and surprise going away party for friends a friend of ours we haven't seen in a while. His son turns one and he is going out on a boat for I think 6 months but I am not sure. We will be going to that Saturday and then stopping to visit my cousin for the night staying at a beach on our way home. That will be great too. We haven't seen them in a while either. They have a son that is 10 months old and are the same ones that lost a baby when we had Anna. I won't go into details about that because it is to heart breaking and I don't want to focus on any more bad stuff!

I am trying to shake off the blues if you can't tell so I will tell you some of the funny and wonderful things Anna has been up to. You could always check her blog but now you don't have too. Unless of course you want to see pictures and videos. She has been so full of energy. She is used to going a good bit through the week. Probably every other day we would go to the indoor park or grocery store or just somewhere to see other faces. So anywho, we have been trying to find ways to entertain ourselves. You can only clean so much. So we have been dancing and reading and pretending a lot more than we did before. See there is my silver lining right lol. Well one morning she woke up before me and my hubby and she decided to put on makeup. REAL lipstick you can see the picture HERE! It is beautiful, huh! Seriously though who could get mad at that face. You could tell she thoroughly enjoyed it and she was such a good girl she didn't get it on anything else! She loves music so we have made 3:00 our music hour. We just spend the hour singing and dancing and acting silly. She is a much better dancer than I am, she has her Daddy's rhythem! I can only dance if I have had a little something to drink. Which isn't often so most times I just can't dance! Luckily Anna doesn't care if I don't know the cool moves or if I get off the beat. Isn't that great!!! We have a pool time every other day pretty much too so that is entertaining for her. She loves anything that involves water. So her little baby pool just makes her day.

Yikes this post got a lot longer than I intended. Sorry for blabbing on and on. Make me feel better and tell me something wonderful going on in your life!