Sacrifices of a Daddy

My husband is a great Daddy. I know that he feels inadequate (as many of us parents do) but he is so wrong! When Anna was about 18 months old we would stand in the window to wave him off to work. She would put on a huge smile and give her queenly wave. I know in so many ways that was bittersweet. Sweet because his baby loved him enough to wave him off with a smile, interrupting whatever she was doing at the moment just for him. Bitter because yet again he was leaving her. Today Anna cries if her Daddy is gone when she wakes up. She no longer waves him off but she does run to him and snuggle up until the very last second. I know that he hates leaving her. He is doing a great thing for her though. He is showing her how much he loves her by providing for her. He is showing her how to be dependable and consistent. He is showing her that it is important to be there for others and to stand by your commitments.

A fathers love is so important to a little girl. He is showing her how a man should treat a woman. He is showing her that she is special and deserves to be treated like a princess! He is also showing her that life isn't all about responsibilities and worries it is also about fun and laughter. My husband is teaching Anna all of these things and doesn't even realize it! He does these things effortlessly and still thinks himself inadequate.

He is teaching her of our Fathers love! She knows already that God loves her. She knows that Jesus loves her. She loves to talk about it and read her Bible! She will have a wonderful understanding of why we call God our Father as she grows up because she will be able to see that the love God has for each and every one of us is very much like the love a father feels for his child. It is an unconditional love, a love that grows as the relationship grows, a love that only wants to see good things, better things for the child, a love that disciplines not because it is fun but because you don't want the child to hurt or suffer not just now but always, it is a love that can never be destroyed! Nothing we do can take away a Fathers love or our Gods love! Hold on to that in all you do. Know that you will always have someone on your side!!!

Chris you should know that Anna adores you. She thinks you hung the moon just for her! Thank you for all that you teach our daughter and all that you do for her (and me)!

Anna you should know that your Daddy adores you. That all he does for you is out of love not duty! That you are his world!

Happy Belated Birthday Hubby

I didn't get this posted on his birthday but I am sure he won't mind. Chris and I have had a bumpy time of it lately. I like to think we are on the downward slope of that and are getting back into good times. I know that every marriage has ups and downs and the downs make you appreciate the ups. So to help us remember the ups and remember why we married each other here are some of my good memories.

1) This one will sound funny to you all but Chris will get it. Our first date and the drive back to my house (my parents house) it took about 20 minutes to get there and we were in his moms car. It was so warm and cozy inside the car and it wasn't awkward like I thought it would be. He kept having to dim the headlights cause there was so much traffic and the click, click of it just ingrained that memory into my head for some reason. I will never forget the laughter after about the 10th click, click that filled the car. We were just both so light and happy to be together!

2) We went to high school together and we would have lunch together. He would always put his head down if there were a lot of people around but if it were just the two of us he would talk and/or listen. That is one of the great things about him - he is a great listener!!!

3) We also went to church together. One of the things he thought was so cute was how I would always run around barefooted! I think it drives him crazy now cause I still do it sometimes lol.

4) We worked at Ridgecrest the summer after we graduated high school. We had so much fun. We walked in the rain together (a lot) and it never seemed to bother us much as long as we were together.

5) We would go get ice cream a lot there too (I gained SO much weight there). But it was always fun hanging out and talking. We did that a lot, somewhere along the way we stopped. We are trying to get back to that. You don't realized how important something is for your relationship until it is gone.

6) College - We went to one year of college together before I had to drop out. We loved meeting up after class and eating by the fountain or going to Hopeland Gardens and having a picnic there. Togetherness is a beautiful thing!

7) I forgot our first Christmas - We started dating in Nov. 1990 and I didn't know what to ask for so I asked for a pink paper clip lol. How silly is that! He found one and presented it to me in a ring box lol. He also gave me a beautiful pink sweater and matching skirt. He has always had good taste. In clothes and girls te he he!

8) We dated all through his college days and grew closer and closer. Always hanging out after my work and his classes. We talked a lot and played a lot. He didn't mind my child like playfullness, although he was way more mature than me lol. He would smile and shake his head at my silly antics.

9) We got married after he got his degree. We moved away from home (which was a good thing for us). We were very happy. I was having a little health issue that wasn't great for us but we got through it. I started doing temp work and he was working as a manager trainee for an electrical supply place. I couldn't cook worth a hoot. One night I cooked baked chicken. I baked it so long that it was dry as a bone. My wonderful hubby sat there and ate it even though I was begging him not to cause it was AWFUL!!!

10) Chris lost his job shortly there after and that took a toll on our relationship. We worked through it and even went on a trip to Vegas. It was fun to walk around and look and see and just be together. No stress, no worries - just us!

11) We use to babysit 2 little girls (they aren't so little anymore). I loved watching Chris with them. He had so much fun with them and wasn't afraid to play with them. It made me sure that he was going to be a good Daddy! I was right too!!!

12) Anna joined our family! He was so good with her. He cherished her and was in awe of her. It was/is amazing to watch him with her. He was/is so gentle and loving. It reminds me of all the good in us!

13) Laughter is not uncommon in our house. I love that and it is becoming more common now that Chris has a new job. Not to mention Anna is getting pretty funny lol.

This is to be continued...

Help me!

Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I have been struggling through issues. I haven't wanted to blog I have just wanted to BE, ya know. Here it goes I am going to bare some of my issues.

My relationship with my parents suck! Big time!!! I haven't talked to my mother in I don't know how long. My Dad is always pulled in between us so he only calls sporadically mainly when he is at work. We have a long history of issues that I don't even want to talk about. Lets just say it started about 14 years ago and it has slowly progressed into this mess. God has been working on my heart lately. Between my Bible study, Sunday School and the preachers sermon I have been bombarded with the need to let bygones be bygones and either move forward or let go. This is hard for me because for years I tried to be the bigger person and make nice just to get smacked down. You know the saying "once bitten, twice shy" well, I am beyond that. I am afraid of the result if I try to move forward. I miss having parents. I miss talking about my childhood. I miss not being able to share my daughter with them. I often wonder what it must feel like to have a great relationship with your parents. Where you can laugh about silly things and cry on their shoulder when you are hurting. I am not sure how to start mending the fence with my parents. How to move forward so that Anna can have 2 sets of grandparents. I don't want to rehash the past, I just want to move forward. I just want to pretend that the past 14 years weren't so miserable for us lol. So do you guys have any words of wisdom? I am thinking I will start with an email just to test the waters. Tell me what you think?

Just so you don't leave my blog all bummed and depressed look at my beautiful girl swimming. She is doing great. I was worried about how she would do this morning with a long weekend between seeing Megan but she did great. She wanted to participate and made sure she wasn't skipped over. Thank you for the words of encouragement offered up last week!!!

Happy Anniversary - Hubby!

11 years with me and not to many complaints you deserve a medal!!! I don't have one to give you so I will just sing your praises to the blogosphere instead.

You have been so good to me through thick and thin. You have suffered through chicken so dry you need a whole glass of water to swallow one bite. Thankfully I can cook better now I just need to expand my menus lol. You suffered through numerous years of me yammering at you about wanting a baby. You suffered through many years of me not taking your advice and always regretting it. You have suffered through my terribly difficult pregnancy and draining first few months of doing nothing but nursing and sleeping.

You have been patient through it all and I greatly appreciate everything. You have been my rock, my love, my lover and best of all my best friend! So thank you for being everything to me for the past and continuing to be everything to me through the future. Our future is unknown at this point. We don't know where we will be in a year or what we will be doing but knowing you will be with me makes it all ok. Where ever we end up will be ok with me! I love you very much!

Yours Truely,

Candi

real or make believe?

So I have not been keeping you all in the loop. My neighbors house is like a real live soap opera. Would you like to hear about it. Yes well of course you do because we all love a real soap story. So sit back with a cup of coffee and enjoy the craziness of another persons life.

Characters:

Neighbor - Christine

Neighbors boyfriend - father of her child - Kramer

Son - 8 months old - George

One day I get a phone call from my neighbor and we are chatting just usual stuff about the babies etc. She said you want to come over and I said sure I have to tell you about what happened with my Mother and she said ok and I need to tell you what happened with Kramer. So I went over later and she said well Kramer and I had another fight (this is a common theme in their relationship). He left (on a Sunday at roughly 8pm) and said he wasn't coming back and I told him just to stay away for a week. She tried to call him on Monday and he wouldn't take her calls. She checked there joint account and he had taken out almost $500.00. She goes into instant panic mode. She spent the better part of Monday and Tuesday buying things like diapers, wipes, food and anything she needed for George on Kramer's credit card. By Wednesday she had tried to contact him several times and she still hadn't heard from him. She decided that she would go back home to New York even though she didn't have a good place to go. She started packing up and called to tell Kramer and ordered things she would need for George there. By Friday she is a basket case and distraught that the man she loves would just cut her and their son totally out of his life that easily. She decides Saturday that she isn't going back to NY she will find a place here. It will be less expensive and she doesn't think it is fair to take George that far away from Kramer. So Sunday (Father's Day) she spends the day trying to figure things out. Then at 8pm guess who comes walking in the door. You got it Kramer. He thought that since she told him to stay out for a week he would do exactly that. He wasn't checking the messages on his cellphone and if he heard her voice on his work phone he deleted it. He had no idea of the drama that he had caused! She was livid to say the least. Since then they have agreed maybe they need to live seperately and she is going to move into a house that she found to rent. He will either remain beside me or sale or rent the house out. Who knows.

I am just glad that I don't have that kind of drama in my house. I am so glad that I have a husband that is in it to stay. We have our issues - trust me we have our issues - but we work through them and try to make our relationship stronger for them. We have a lot of time invested in each other though and I think that is part of the difference. We are coming up on our 11th Anniversary. It is this Friday so drink a toast to us!!! Before we were married we dated for about 6 years so we have been together for about half our lives WOW!!! Maybe tomorrow I will give you my take on marriage and the good and bad of it. There is definitely more good though or we wouldn't have been in it for so long!

Musings about Motherhood!

Why is it that my relationship with my Mother is so messed up? My Mother hasn't felt like my Mom in so long I can't remember when it was. I never thought about the difference between the two until we started having our issues. We had it out on instant message last night. I am not sure how things have escalated to the point that they have. I know that I have done my share to screw things up but apparently I am totally to blame for it all! That is neither here nor there. Lets suffice it to say my Mother and I will not be spending time together for a long time.

Now I am left wondering, am I going to do the same thing to Anna? Am I going to make her feel so unimportant, incompetent and ugly inside and out? I am sure when I was Anna's age my Mother didn't think she would do those things to me. I am trying to find a way to get things straight in my mind the dos and don'ts of mothering. I am currently trying to work on my self-image because I don't want Anna to grow up thinking she is to fat, to ugly or to plain even when she is perfect. I want her to see confidence and beauty in herself so that has to begin with me. I don't want to pass on my doubt and fear. I am also trying to remind myself that I am a lovable person. This one is harder than the self-image. I mean honestly, I am overweight but I still have some cute qualities about myself. I have great hair, my eyes are like melted chocolate and a cute little button nose. The lovable part not so easy. The way I see it if my own Mother doesn't seem to love me then I must be defective. I know in my head that is totally not true but my heart can't get it right.

So I will start a list of Dos and Don'ts and if anyone has anything to add please do so.

DO:

• love your child unconditionally
• discipline with love
• spend quality time with your child
• encourage
• teach (in a fun manner if possible)
• be patient (this one is one of the hardest for me lol)
• set a good example (teach by doing) including a healthy self image
• give lots of hugs and kisses and I love yous

DON'T

• be hateful
• speak in anger
• discourage
• ignore or put in front of a tv all day
• do as I say not as I do

Thank you for reading my vent. I want to be a Mom not a Mother! I will be a Mom!!!

16 Years Ago

It is hard to believe that 16 years ago I started dating the man that is now my husband. We were just kids in high school so young and clueless. Apparently not too clueless though cause I feel like being with him is the best choice that I have ever made. We don't always see eye to eye but we manage to work through most of it and we have a very strong relationship for it. About 4 years ago we were on the verge of a divorce because I so desperatly wanted a baby and he didn't. Somehow we managed to hang in there and well you have seen the pics of my daughter she was well worth the wait. And because we waited she is fortunate enough to have a Mommy and Daddy that have a strong and loving relationship. I am very happy we waited because it wouldn't have been as much fun if her Daddy hadn't been as thrilled as I was.

.

My philosophy on marriage is that it takes 2 people and a ton of work and if one of you isn't willing to pick up a little of the slack when the other one needs it then you are in trouble. During the days of our trouble neither of us could help carry the other and it was hard on our relationship. Finally, I don't really know what turned it around for us I think I stopped nagging him about a baby and he started feeling less pressure. There is always going to be one of you that needs something extra - so the other partner has to be willing to give that extra. And it can't always be the same person it has to be a give and take relationship. Compromise is huge too so don't forget that part of it.