Day 5

She cried and cried! All the way to school she begged me to take her home. I knew if I did take her home that battle would have been lost but the urge to turn that car around was SO strong! I continued down the road and we made it to school. She really started carrying on when we got there and I did our normal routine. I helped her get her stuff up and gave her a hug. I told her I had to go and I practically ran out the door cause the tears were coming down. It breaks my heart that this is so hard on her. I keep asking myself if it is something that I have done that made her need me so much. There is only one other little boy in the class having the same problem that Anna is having. So what causes this problem? What makes one child cry when they are going to school and another delight in it? The only thing that I can see that I have done that would have created this is the fact that she has been with me pretty much all the time. I mean I leave her with a friend every now and again and she goes to church to her class with no problem. But she has never been in daycare and I don't think I would change that just to have her go to school without crying. As a mom I know it is natural to question how we raise our children. To constantly wonder if we are ruining our childs life. Are they going to need therapy because of me? Seriously, all I know is that I can do the best I can and leave the rest up to God. I was listening to this radio program one day and it said something like: You can do better than your parents because you can learn from their mistakes, you can do the best as you see it but then you also have to pray regularly for God to make up for your mistakes to fill in the gaps so to speak. There is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT PARENT except for Our Father God! Don't try to be and don't claim to be but lean on Him to heal you and your child from your mistakes! I guess through my attentitiveness with Anna I haven't taught her the independance that she needs to get through this week but I know with my prayers she will make it through. I am going to hold onto that thought with both hands.

Psalm 18:30

³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

Mommy woes

I have thought about blogging about this for a while now but kept chickening out. I don't want to be looked at as a freak or suddenly find out that I am all alone in how I feel. As it is I can tell myself that surely there are others that go through this too. However, I have decided that I will feel better if I get it out. I may or may not post this we will just wait and see. :)

Being a Mommy is so hard sometimes. You feel like you have the weight of the world resting on your shoulders. Being a stay at home mom I feel even more pressure. I should be able to have a perfect house. I should have a brilliant daughter (which I do by the way lol). I should be able to hold intelligent conversations at all times. I should be able to keep up with everything going on in my world, my hubby's world and Anna's world. I fall short on most of these things almost daily and then I feel like I am failing miserably. I dream of being a Super Mom but inside my head I know that there is no such thing. In my heart I just can't seem to grasp.

My hubby will come home some days and ask me what is wrong. I give him the oh nothing or I am tired answer. The truth is I feel like I have let him and/or Anna down for whatever reason. Maybe the laundry didn't get put way or toys are all over the house or dinner wasn't ready or maybe I lost my patience with Anna. It doesn't matter the reason the end result is the same. I expect more out of myself for this job than any other job I have ever had & I can't seem to keep up.

I have never thought that I was a perfectionist and I typically am not. Just in this one thing, the most important thing in my life I would like to get it perfect. Since I can't do that, because God knows none of us are perfect, maybe I can just get it right. I want to make my hubby and Anna feel like they are the most important people in my world. I want them to know that I love them with all my heart and soul. I want them to know that even when I screw up (which happens often) I keep moving forward because I know they will be right there with me. I want to give them the same support and encouragement that they give me. My family is perfect with all of its imperfections and I just need to remember that includes ME!

My dearest Hubby I must apologize to you. Not for falling short because I know you don't see it that way but for not being honest with you about how I feel. I need to be more open with you and learn to let things go. Thank you for loving me even while we figure our lives out. I love you very much!