Grief sucks!

Some days I feel like I am beginning to feel "normal" such as it is and everything will be ok. Other times I feel like a wave has crashed over me and I can't seem to find my breath. I do know that this too shall pass and ultimately I am ok. I also know that grief sucks! It doesn't just magically go away at the 6-month mark or 1-year mark. I have heard grief described as the ocean. Sometimes you are in between the waves and sometimes the waves are crashing over you. I feel like that is the best description of grief that I have seen. 

A few weeks ago I had my birthday. I have always loved my birthday and would celebrate as much of the month as I could, lol. Of course, now I have to share the month with my daughter, but she was the best gift ever! Anyway, this year was the first year that I didn't have my parents or at least one of them call me and sing me "Happy Birthday". I don't know why that hit me so hard but it really did. One of the highlights of my day was always Mom singing off key and Dad singing as loud and proud and goofy as he could. It hit me I will never get that again! Honestly, my birthday was rough! I am blessed with great co-workers, friends, family, and an amazing daughter and husband. They all worked very hard to help me feel special, appreciated, and loved! Don't ever take for granted the love of your parents! Soak in those moments and make memories because you don't know when your last will be. 

I feel like I should add I do have some of the best in-laws too! My Mother-in-law never fails to find the perfect card to make me laugh. She has a way of knowing what I need a lot of the time! My Sister-in-law is the absolute best! She is the sister that I never had and didn't realize I needed! I cherish these relationships! 

When I am under the wave and can't find my way out I try to remember the people that love me, need me, and, want me! I also remind myself of this verse!

I am not walking through this grief alone! My God is walking with me. Sometimes He is in front of me (leading the way), sometimes beside me (holding my hand and encouraging me as I go), and other times behind me (probably shoving me through). I honestly don't know how someone would get through the mountains of emotions we call grief without knowing God! 

I will continue my journey each day with a prayer and trust that God is in control even when things feel out of control! I will look for joy in my journey and always look for the good around me! I will not think of my grief as a problem to solve. I will look at it as a blessing because without great love, I wouldn't have such deep grief!

Leave me an encouraging scripture in the comments or in the form on the side! I love seeing what verses lift others when they are down!

Happy Birthday My Darling Anna

4 years ago you came into this world kicking and screaming. You were a little tiny thing but you knew how to make your presence known. 4 years later you are still a little on the small side but when you decide to make your presence known there is no ignoring you. You are a delight to have around (most of the time lol). There is a quote out there that says something like Don't have children until you are prepared to have your heart walking around outside of your chest. That isn't it exactly but you get what I am saying. It is so true - I look at you and I know that you are my heart. You are the best of me and your Daddy. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are a blessing and I try not to take you for granted even on the days when you are driving me nuts.

Here is a summary of your birth story:

Your Daddy and I got pregnant after trying for a year. I had waited much longer for you than that but you were well worth the wait! We started having problems with the pregnancy when we were half way through. They noticed you were very small and there were times when you would get really still. I started seeing a specialist and having you monitored more often. They noticed you really weren't growing much and they decided you would need to come out early. After a false start they finally set the date (Your Great Grandma's birthday). They did a planned c-section so everything went as planned. Your Daddy and I assumed you would be going to Neonatal and I made him promise me no matter what he would stay with you and protect you. You came out and they checked you out and instead of going to Neonatal they sent you to the regular nursery. There you got your first bath screaming and carrying on the whole time. They put you under the baby warmer for a while and wouldn't bring you to me until I moved my toes. When they told me that is what I had to do to get you I started doing everything I could think of to get my toes to wiggle. They said I did that quicker than most Moms. That is how badly I wanted you in my arms. You are still a Mama's girl and I hope you will stay that way.

This next year is going to be full of changing and growing for both of us. You are going to start Pre-school in just a month. You are going to make new friends and learn so much. You are going to learn that Mommy isn't the only one that can fix things or make it better. You will learn that you can do so much more than you ever believed. In fact, you have already learned that in a few cases. You had a dance camp where you learned so much in one week. You even learned this week how to go down and touch the bottom of the 8 ft pool. You amaze me with your swimming skills! You will do great in school! You will adjust to not having Mommy around (hopefully very quickly). You will be a leader and a follower each in its on time. Maybe you will even learn to share toys and take turns.

Your future is bright! You can be and do anything!!! You are smart, funny and adventurous (at times) you will go far. I want to teach you to believe in yourself and no that you can depend on yourself if necessary. But I also want you to know that you are not alone! You will never be alone! Your Dad and I will always be here for you as will so many other people. But the best one to lean on is our God! He will never let you down and as long as you remember to rely on Him everything will be ok. I hope that you will find something to do with your life that makes you happy! I hope that one day you will find out how wonderful and rewarding it is to be a Mommy. I hope that you find a man that will treat you like a Princess or if you don't that you will treat yourself like a Princess! Because you are a Princess. You have been telling me lately that you are my Princess - I guess that means I am the Queen woo hoo.

I love you with all my heart! As the book says I love you to the moon and back!!! Happy Birthday my darling! I hope it is full of fun and laughter.

New Born

First Year

Second Year

Third Year

This Year

Lemon Cake

My mother-in-laws birthday was Friday. They came down so that we could go to the ballet and I wanted to make a cake for my mil. She isn't much of a sweet person though so I thought I would try this cake out and let me just tell you it was delicious and the best part super easy to make.

Bake a lemon cake as directed on box

Let cool for 10 minutes and then remove from pans to cool completely

After they are cool make jello: 2 small boxes of lemon jello with 1 1/2 cups of milk mix thoroughly and poor onto the top of each cake. Do not let it set before putting it on the cake!

(I did one put the other on top of it and did it.)
Then you spread cool whip all over as the icing!

Anna added the sprinkles so she could have her flair on it!

Happy Birthday Aunt Cakey

Casey is my sister-in-law. She is so much more than that though. She has been one of my very best friends for a very long time. She has been with me through good times and bad! She loves me even though she knows pretty much ALL of my faults! Casey ~ I love you like a true sister! We enjoyed spending the weekend with you! Thanks for being such a cool and fun person to hang around!

Happy Birthday to the very best

1. Sister-in-law
2. Aunt for my little girl
3. Confidant
4. Co-conspirator
5. Travel companion
6. Mexican dinner partner (whenever I want it, well as long as we are in the same town!)
7. Escape artist
8. Shopping buddy (just never again on black Friday!)
9. Explorer
10. FRIEND

Oh yeah, Thanks Lynn and Charles for bringing her into the world and raising her to be such an incredible woman!

MIA

I'm sorry I have neglected you all this past week. I have been living in my real world. A world filled with imagination, music, dancing, Sesame Street and other animations. It is also full of unkind realities, forgiveness, love and new beginnings. I have spent the week trying to deal with all of those aspects of my world. I have been struggling with depression for a while now and didn't even understand it. I hope that I am coming out of this ugliness and back into my self. I feel a little closer to that fun loving woman that I use to be. Not that I am really there yet but at least I am working on it!

My birthday is in 2 weeks! I will be, uh ummm, 35 years old although if you ask me on any normal day I will tell you 27ish lol. I don't really have so many issues with turning 35 years old this year. In years past I have struggled with getting older. Now I can say that I don't feel 35 so thats ok. Not to mention I have had numerous people telling me lately how good I look and well you know that never hurts a girls self image!

Here is a collage of how I have been spending my days!

Anna's Birthday Party

Her party is going to be next weekend and I have so much left to do. I haven't really done anything for it. I guess you could call me a slacker or procrastinator. Anyway, I am looking for inexpensive ideas. It is going to be a water party so I don't think I need to much in the way of entertainment besides the pools and sprinklers. I am trying to decide about goody bags though. I could just do a beach ball or bubbles tied to a balloon (we all know how they love balloons!) or small ice cream bowls with $1 coupon to a local ice cream parlor (covers the cost of a kids cone) wrapped in tulle with a spoon attached to the ribbon. A cute saying attached "I think it's 'cool' that you came to my party...have some ice cream on me!" Anyway, what are you thoughts? What kind of cool inexpensive things have you guys tried or thought about trying? Thanks for any help you can offer up. I really just can't believe Anna is going to be 3. I think I have just been putting it out of my mind lol.

Pictures from Trooper's 1st Party

Trooper is our friend that was having a birthday early. We threw together his party in a hurry so that his Daddy could be there. It was a fabulous party! Come back tomorrow and you can see some hysterical videos from it. Think helium and silly adults! Isn't that cake incredible?! The detail in it amazes me.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

So today is my day. 34 years ago my Mother delivered me at 5 lbs and some odd oz. My Dad slept in the waiting room. My brother was home with my Grandmother, I think. It is hard for me to imagine that moment for my parents. I mean I know what it was like for us but it is different when you think about your parents in that moment. Did they feel the wonder and awe of this miracle bestowed on them? Did they wonder what I would grow up to be like? Who I looked like? Did they dream of a wonderful relationship with me?

Today is my birthday and my hubby is taking me to the beach! I am very excited and then my SIL is coming to town and she is taking us to dinner. I am excited to feel the love from those around me and know that they are glad I was born! So toast me at dinner tonight or have a yummy "dusurt" in my honor! Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Birthday Woes

We had a fun filled weekend. If you want to know about it go to Anna's page.

Next weekend I will be 30 again for the, uh umm, 4th time. Birthdays get harder for me the older I get. I don't really know why but sadly it is true. I guess I feel like there is so much more I wanted to have accomplished by this point. I mean I thought I would already have a second child, have a successful career in something (I don't know what lol) would have traveled more and have more possessions. The truth of the matter is only one of those things do I really regret. I wish I had a second child already. I could have handled more travel and more possessions but those aren't important to me anymore. As far as the successful career I am a very successful Mommy and that is all that matters.

My life hasn't turned out like I planned but I really can't complain to much. I have a wonderful husband that has stuck with me through the good times and bad. I have a daughter that thinks I hung the moon. I have inlaws that treat me as one of their own. And I have friends that are good to me. So all in all my birthday should be a celebration of what I have accomplished and not a pity party for what I haven't. So because on my birthday it will be all about me today it is all about you guys! Thank you so much for being a part of my life and making it special. That includes my bloggy pals too, you guys are a wonderful new addition to my circle of friends! So everyone go have a bite of red velvet cake or german chocolate cake and a cup of milk and toast my birth and our friendship! You guys are the best!

My Cookie Cake

So last week I was looking for a simple recipe for a cookie. No one had any great ideas so I thought I would share the one that I found. It was yummy. I took a recipe from Paula Deen. We all know she is the best southern cook out there not to mention quite entertaining.

So here is the recipe that I used!

Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies
Recipe courtesy Paula Deen
Show:
Paula's Home Cooking
Episode:
Rainy Day Picnic


1 (8-ounce) brick cream cheese, room temperature 1 stick butter, at room temperature 1 egg 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 (18-ounce) box moist chocolate cake mix Confectioners' sugar, for dusting.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a large bowl with an electric mixer, cream the cream cheese and butter until smooth. Beat in the egg. Then beat in the vanilla extract. Beat in the cake mix. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours to firm up so that you can roll the batter into balls. Roll the chilled batter into tablespoon sized balls and then roll them in confectioner's sugar. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet, 2 inches apart. Bake 12 minutes. The cookies will remain soft and "gooey." Cool completely and sprinkle with more confectioners' sugar, if desired.

Be sure to chill it! Don't forget to put confectioner's sugar on your hands or the rolling pin whatever you decide to use. I found for the big cookie using my hands was easier. It turned out very yummy! I sprinkled a little more sugar on the top and then some purple and pink sugar crystals just for fun. It tasted very yummy and Anna really enjoyed it. The best part was it wasn't overly sweet and didn't have to much sugar in it. I used a pizza cutter to cut it because it was fluffy and thick. So thank you Paula Deen for your great idea!!!

Calling ALL Bakers!!!

Anna's second birthday is this Friday!!! We are going to have a get together with friends on Saturday with cake and the whole 9 yards. So on Friday I was thinking that I would just make her a cookie cake. I have made one before but I cheated with the premixed stuff. This time I would like to make a REAL one lol. I have one recipe but it looks complicated lol. If you have a simple cookie recipe I would love to hear about it. Or if you have an even better idea for her Friday celebration please let me know!!!

Thanks you so much for your help with this.

Just 1 WEEK!!!

My baby girl is going to be joining the ranks of the terrible 2's!!! I can't believe it. I remember so vividly the day I went to the hospital to have her. It was a scheduled c-section, although it was scheduled many different times lol. Oh well, she was meant to be born on her great grandma's birthday! She was so very tiny weighing in at 4 lbs 5 oz. She has grown so much and is turning into a little girl instead of my baby. I think her turning 2 is going to be harder on me than when she turned 1 lol. Can we just slow down time for a little while so that she can stay my baby for a little longer. If I blink she will be going to college and getting married!


I still haven't gotten her birthday gift yet. If you know of something that isn't overly expensive that she will absolutely love please let me know. I have an idea of what I will get her but I am still not sure about it.